Teach Your Daughters How to Say No to Sex

With the advancement of technology and the media reporting fear on every other news cast, parents have to be sharper, more direct, and speak “teen slang” fluently. The teenage girl is experiencing the most important part of her life. She has to make decisions that will shape her role as a woman, employee, student, daughter, and even a mother every second of every day. And sex plays a large part in her decision making. Girls are pressured to share their body on a daily basis. It’s on the television, on Facebook, Twitter, in the classroom, in the bathroom, you get the idea.

The reason why girls have sex before they are supposed to is because they do not know how to say NO. It’s not because they didn’t have the ‘sex talk’ with mom & dad or they were hot in the pants. Saying no has to be taught. It’s not a skill we are all born with. Some teenagers become physically sick when they’re faced with a situation where ‘no’ is required. It is our human nature to want to make others happy with us and want to be around us. The word ‘no’ is linked to rejection and rejection is linked to a negative emotion. You see where I’m going here.

Boys are developing muscles, facial hair, pheromones, and slick lines that will woo your baby girl into the bedroom. You, as her parent, are still responsible for what she does as she is a reflection of you (whether you admit or not). Preventing pregnancy is not your focus here, although a phenomenal benefit. Use these suggestions as a guideline to start teaching her how to turn down the drama, because that’s exactly what sex at a young age ends in.

First, you must define sex to your daughter. She needs to know sex is not just intercourse.

Practice makes perfect so show her how to say no to other things that she finds tempting.

Role play the tough scenarios with her so she can be comfortable in a real situation.

Sweat the small stuff…if she can say no to hugs and kisses from boys then she can say no to all that comes afterwards.

Only talk about the benefits of saying no and not the consequences of saying yes. Keep it positive because she’ll respond better. Remember you used to think pregnancy and STDs wouldn’t happen to you and she may think so as well.

How Your Kids can Benefit from the Penn State Sex Abuse Case

I’m sure by now you heard about the current child sex abuse investigation going on at Penn State. As hours go by, more and more details come out about the investigation and those who are involved. There is one major detail I want to share with you.

Former defense coordinator, Jerry Sandusky, is accused of child sexual abuse from 1998-2009. Sandusky runs an organization for at-risk kids called Second Mile, started in 1977. There are trips, gifts, sporting events, and opportunities to meet famous sport figures as a part of his program. In 2002, a then, graduate student reportedly witnessed Sandusky sodomizing a young boy in the shower. The grad student reported it to school officials and that was that. He is now the assistant coach of the Penn State football team.

There are 8 alleged victims that have come out to the media. More alleged victims are to be expected before this investigation ends. Mothers of the victims have spoken out about their sons’ ordeal thus far and how they are coping. One alleged victim was asked by his mom why didn’t he say no? He reportedly told her, it’s just something you don’t do. Sandusky was a hero and a great role model in his community so he knew people, especially socially, academically, and financially deprived kids would not say “no” to him.

No matter how famous a man is, he is still capable of evil. Heroes and role models are not without secrets. What you need to understand is no matter how big, scary, influential, powerful, or wealthy a person may seem, they are not above the power of a mother with a hurt child. It’s better for them to bump into a mother bear and her cubs. If your child has been abused by someone who is of status quo, use every resource you have to hold that person accountable. You have a voice, you have your testimony, and you have common sense.

Talk to your children about sex abuse. And keep talking to them about it, and keep talking to them about it. Do it until they graduate and move out. Just like you have to constantly tell your children to clean their room, you have to constantly tell them about sex abuse. The talks gives them the confidence to say no.
Self-esteem = no abuse. One of the main factors in sex abuse victims is how the abuser and others view them if they tell. I was sexually abused at the age of 7 and I was worried how my stepfather would view me if I told on him. I felt like I was betraying him. A young woman once told me all but one her daughters were sexually abused by their father. The little girl was exempt because she was known for having a big mouth. Her father tried her by wrapping his arms around her waist while pressing up against her. She got loud and he left her alone. She didn’t care what he thought of her.
Never stop fighting for your child. If your child tells you someone abused them in any manner, shout it on the roof tops. Tell everyone in authority, the police, district attorney, judges, mayor, governor, you name it. Don’t give up and don’t let them tell you there’s nothing they can do. If all else fails, tell the media. That’s what a mom of one of the victims did. No authority is above embarrassment and judgment from the masses.

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing

- Edmund Burke

Did a Texas Family-Law Judge go Too Far?

In 2004, Hillary Adams made a secret video of her father (and mother) beating her for unauthorized downloads of music and game files off the internet. She was 16 years old at the time of the video recording and has ataxic cerebral palsy. She is now 23 years and has spoken out about why she made the video public just this week.

The video shows her father cursing at her, threatening to beat her into submission, and calling her hurtful names. At one point during the whipping, he says to her “Lay down or I’ll spank you in your (bleep) face,” as he continues to whip her legs ignoring her pleas for him to stop.

The burning question is…did he go too far? Texas law allows parents to impose reasonable physical discipline on a child. The problem is the law leaves the definition of what is ‘reasonable’ up to the parent. My idea of physical abuse may not be my mom’s idea or better yet, it may not be my children’s idea of physical abuse.

While I do not disagree with physical discipline, it can be done much better than the way William Adams displayed to us on YouTube. No matter what, we all have our opinions about how Judge Adams should’ve disciplined his daughter. I want to share mine:

Discipline is only effective when used in a fitting, and orderly way. Trust me when I say this…you will not reach your child by cursing, threatening, and calling them names during the discipline. Your child will put up a wall so fast, your hair will still be blowing from the whirlwind. Once the wall is up, it’s nearly impossible to break through. My mom beat the crap out of me because it was Tuesday. I was still me but, I just highly disliked her.

Emotions have no place in the event of discipline. That means if you’re angry, don’t spank or ground your child. Anger never solved anything. It just makes you look silly because you’ve lost control over the situation and your child knows it. My mom could never restrain herself when she was angry at me. She would talk to me one second and push my head into a window the next. Yes…I startle easily.

Clearly explain why discipline is necessary for the disobedient act. I think this is so important to getting positive results. My mom always yelled at me “you know better!” God gave children parents because they don’t know better. I don’t care how many times you tell your child to stop going into the refrigerator without asking, they will still do it on occasion. That’s why you are raising (presently) not raised your child. It took me until I was about 23 years old to fully understand why my house needed to stay clean for example.

Tell your child how much you love them during the talk. You may not get what I’m saying until you try it. Whenever my kids do something simple, I tell them how much I love them and I know they can do better. Children respond better to positive criticism. And for those of you who keeps telling your kids “you ain’t nothing and you ain’t gonna ever be nothing,” stop it because they believe & become what you say about them.

To Stepmothers who Don’t want to be Called Mommy

I recently read an article about stepmoms who do not want their stepchildren to call them mommy. The main reason is because the child already has a mother. My immediate response was….WTF? I am a stepmother and I was raised by someone other than my biological mother. I call the woman I know as my mother, mommy. If I had to call her anything but mommy I would be devastated.

A mother is a woman who gives life to a child. Every human being has one. A mommy gives her life to a child. A mother shares all the experience of conception and birth. A mommy shares all the experience of sacrifice, selflessness, education, patience, long-suffering, being taken for granted at times, sleepless nights, pride, and love after birth until adulthood. Don’t get it twisted, mothers and mommies are not the same people.

It burns my blood to hear stepmothers tell their stepchildren not to call them mommy. If your stepchild asks you can they call you mom, don’t deny them that opportunity. It is a natural instinct for a child to call their female caretaker, mommy. There is awkwardness in the relationship when they have to call you Ms. So and So. Their friends hear it, their neighbors hear it, their peers at school hear it, and they hear it. You will never take the place of their mother. It’s impossible because you cannot jump into the past and become their mother while she’s giving birth. You are the mom if the child depends on you for clothing, food, shelter, education, affection, love, time, and discipline.

My stepdaughter came to live with us when she just turned 13 years old. The first day she called me mommy. I didn’t ask questions, I immediately responded to her. Later on she told me she calls me mommy because she wants to experience me the same way my other children do. So even kids know the word mommy defines a relationship between woman and child. It can separate them or include them in the family dynamics. My stepdaughter still has a mother and always will. They visit each other on occasion and I will never take her mother’s place. In my home, she’s my daughter and I’m her mommy.

Recognize who you are in the child’s life. It doesn’t matter where their mother is on this earth. She could be living next door for all I care. If you are indeed helping your husband care for his child, then you are their mommy. They will not be confused or think their mother is non-existent as long as they know the mother’s identity. I know where I come from and it doesn’t change who my mom is or who my mother is.

The Real Reason Why Kids Keep Quiet about Abuse

I was 7 years old when the woman I knew as my mom took me to live with her sister, my biological mother. My mother had been married for about 6 years to my stepfather then. I was told she left me at my grandmother’s house when I was 6 months old to go live with him and be his full-time girlfriend.

He spent more time with me than my mother did. My stepfather was a strict disciplinarian. I remember getting whipped with thick leather belts a lot. My mother was not around much. Whenever she was home, she stayed in her bedroom all day with the door closed until bed time. She didn’t speak to me much except to give me instructions. We never did anything as a family, including eat dinner together.

One day, when I was 8 years old, my stepfather said I did something bad and asked me to take off all of my clothes and lay down on the bed. I didn’t have to undress for a whipping before so I couldn’t understand what I did so wrong to get be whipped naked. Anyway, what happened next was what I would call disgusting, filthy, and inhuman. The sexual abuse went on for close to 2 years. He told me, while showing me his gun, that he would kill me if I told anyone.

You see…I wasn’t scared of his threat or the fact he would be angry if I got him in trouble. My life wasn’t great at the time anyway. I was scared of my mother not believing me if I told her. Even though I didn’t have a relationship with her, I couldn’t stand the possibility of being rejected by her again. The fear of not being believed crippled me. It kept my mouth shut, and my behavior obedient to my stepfather’s demands. I had no way out. They were my parents and I was taught to do whatever my parents told me to.

Now the long story short is…my other aunts suspected something was going on and forced me to tell my mother. When I did she said “Let’s go home and ask him” while grabbing my arm and pulling me towards the door.

Make it a priority to tell your kids you will never reject them if something bad happens. Let them know you will not judge them, be angry at them, or not believe them if someone has ever done anything to hurt them. Don’t just assume your kids will tell you because you are nice, or you tell them you love them every day. You must make it clear that you will support and help them through anything.

Don’t let the fear of not being believed have the power to hurt your kids.

Do You Make these Mistakes with Your Stepchild?

1. Telling your stepchild “I’m your stepmother/stepfather” every time you talk to them. Your stepchild knows exactly who you are. Saying so only reveals the fact that you are not sure yourself. If you are a woman, do you walk around telling people? Have confidence when you talk with your stepchild and choose your words carefully. If you behave like you are the stepmother/stepfather, your stepchild will treat you the same.

2. Comparing your biological child to your stepchild. This is one of the biggest mistakes a stepparent can make. Every child is a unique individual and comparing one to the other sends the wrong message. You are really saying the stepchild isn’t good enough being themselves so they should be like your child if they want your love.

3. Making your stepchild call you mom/dad. A mom and dad are defined by the relationship they have with a child. It is not a title inherited just because you are married to the child’s parent. Our mother and father gave us life, but we may also have a different mom and dad, who took care of us. Earn your place in their life and let the child decide if they want to call you mom/dad. As my grandmother would say…”wait until you’re invited, you’ll get treated better.”

4. Arguing with your spouse in front of the children. Your stepchild may have experienced name calling, yelling, door slamming, etc. already with their mother and father. Do not recreate these traumatic emotions for them in your relationship with their parent. Commit to being a family united. If you find yourself getting to an argument stage of a conversation with your spouse, leave the room and discuss it when the kids are gone. Your stepchild needs to see that you are a permanent role in their life.

5. Bad mouthing your stepchild’s absent parent. No matter how much of a dead beat your stepchild’s parent may be, that person is still their mom/dad. The only thing you will accomplish is making your stepchild resent you for speaking negatively about their parent. Their mother could be a drug addict or their father could be an ex-convict. It doesn’t matter because your stepchild will always love them. Support your stepchild and let them know you’re there if they want to talk about their mom/dad. They need an inner circle of people they can trust, especially if the absent parent is missing the mark.

Your behavior is vital to the health of the relationship with your stepchild. Everything you say and everything you do affects them. Use care when approaching delicate situations such as discipline, the absent parent, and step or full siblings. Stepchildren are clay in our hands and we, as stepparents are the sculptors who will help our spouses turn them into wonderful adults in the future.

READ this Before you Sign the Visitation Agreement

A visitation agreement displays your right to have your child at the specified times and dates of the year. Once it is signed and submitted to the courts as a part of the file, you are bound to it until it is modified by the judge or your child becomes an adult.

Dates for visitation should be very clear and very specific. If the child gets to visit you on the weekends be sure to include days, pick up & drop off time. Also add language that allows extended visits on legal holidays. For example: “father/mother will have extended visitation on any legal holidays that falls on the weekend of their visit.”

Vacations should be worded into the agreement carefully. You will want to have an opportunity to take your child on vacation. Add a line where it says you will choose ___ (insert #) consecutive days during the summer to go on vacation and each parent will inform the other of the vacation schedule no later than March or April every year.

Always claim immediate access to your child. When my husband obtained custody of our daughter, I had the visitation agreement with his ex-wife include this language: “The child will have a cell phone at the father’s expense. It must be turned on and with the child at all times during her visits with the mother.” Got it? Good.

Holidays and school breaks are best alternated. This gives your child the chance to spend holidays and breaks equally with you and the other parent. You can also choose to have your child for every Christmas break starting December 26 as an alternative.

Include any non-scheduled visits. This is really good if your child lives out of state. When my husband had “visitation rights only” with our daughter, he was able to still visit her whenever he was in town. For example: “the child is allowed to visit with the father/mother whenever he/she is in town for up to 48 hours and returned home at a reasonable time as long as it doesn’t interfere with school hours.”

Having information about your child’s environment is a must. You will want to know where your child lives, phone numbers, school info, and the primary caretaker whenever the other parent is not around listed in the agreement. For example: “both parents will have each other’s current residential address, current home (landline) phone number, current name and phone of any primary caretaker, and the child’s school details.”

Prevent the name calling and manipulation. Make the other parent agree to be civil in front of your child and not try to convince your child to stay with them. For example: “Both parents will not say anything of an offensive nature to each other in the presence of the child. Both parents agree to refrain from making statements that may cause the child to feel guilty about spending time with the other parent.”

Do you have something to add? Please share!

Take Action When Your Ex Bad Mouths You to Your Child

My daughter would come home every other weekend from her father’s house with an attitude. She went straight to her room and tried to stay there the rest of the evening (of course I didn’t tolerate that behavior, she wasn’t paying rent). I suspected her father was bad mouthing me to her and she believed him. Her attitude toward me when she left his presence told on her every time.

I decided not to stand by helplessly while my ex poisons my baby girl with his lies. If I stopped him from seeing her then it would’ve just confirmed all the bad things he was saying. If I reacted by bad mouthing him, catching attitudes or making sarcastic comments then it would also have confirmed his rants of how mean, nasty, and cruel I am and why we weren’t together anymore. I took three actions against his evil scheme to destroy me in the eyes of my daughter.

1. Ignore the negative comments. If you feed it then it will grow. Whenever you hear about what was said or see the results in your child, do not react. Keep your mouth shut and your face straight. Act as if you never knew. Ignoring your ex’s actions will allow your child to see the truth through you.

2. Be hospitable towards your ex. It may hurt like crazy, but you are doing the opposite of what he has been telling your child. Invite him in, smile and say hello, and never discuss sensitive topics such as visitation, custody, family, or even the past in front of your child with him. He will try to push every button he knows to get you to react but don’t let him have the upper hand. You control the situation.

3. Spend quality time with your child. I’ve said this before but it bears repeating – trust is the result of spending time. The more your child gets to know you the better decision they can make about your character.

If you have been through this, what did you do to overcome the bad mouthing from your ex?

I met my Daughter’s Stepmother 9 Years Later

When I separated from my ex-husband he got into a relationship about one month later. The woman who he was dating had three children at that time. My ex-husband would pick up my daughter every other weekend in his girlfriend’s car. I asked him for an address to where she lived (they were living together) since my daughter stayed with him at the woman’s house with her children. He gave me a phony address. I know it was phony after I called in the tag number to the woman’s car and received a different address.

Fast forward two years and me and my ex are in mediation for visitation and custody one month before our divorce hearing. My condition for visitation was I had a correct address and phone number (he & the woman moved) so I can have access to my daughter. He refused saying he did not want me bothering his “friend.” I stood my ground and my daughter stayed with his mother and sister on the weekends she visited him.

Three years later, my ex-husband asks me if our daughter can stay at his house on the weekends. He said he was too old to drive up and down the beltway taking her back and forth to his sister’s house. I told him I would agree if I had a phone number and address to their home. He said he had to ask his wife (they married) first and see if it was okay for me to call their house. The wife said yes and I got the address and phone number.

While I was married to, yet separated from my ex-husband he did not bring his “friend” with him to my house to pick up our daughter. After our divorce, she faithfully accompanied him to pick up and drop off but she never stepped out the car. In fact, when dropping our daughter off he would pull up a little bit past my house and soon as I opened the door I could see him pulling off.

The cat and mouse game went on for a few more years. I asked my ex-husband if we could meet as I thought it is important for her, being my daughter’s stepmother, to know who I am and vice versa. He declined giving me some off the wall excuse.

Finally, my daughter recently graduates from high school. He tells me he is bringing his wife to the ceremony. I was livid. I never met this woman before and all of the sudden she can just show up at my daughter’s graduation ceremony. I didn’t want to put on a poker face during a joyous occasion. He previously informed me if his wife could not come then he wasn’t coming. Of course I sucked it up and moved on for my daughter’s sake. I know she wanted her stepmother to be there. I think it is disgusting for a woman to omit meeting their stepchild’s parent. How can you get to know your stepchild without knowing who their parents are?

What do you think? Was I overreacting? Should I have asked my ex and his wife to stay home?

When to Introduce Your Date to Your Kids

Finding the right time to introduce your kids to your boyfriend or girlfriend is like deciding when to give up your virginity. You only get one shot and once you do it, you can’t take it back. That’s how you should treat this delicate decision of choosing the right time to introduce your kids. Timing is everything.

3 Things to Consider:

1. The kids aren’t a package deal. They are not dating, you are. When the relationship ends, you do not want your kids to experience the break-up too. A child’s level of understanding is not able to handle the stress of a break-up. Kids easily trust when the environment is consistent e.g., the boyfriend or girlfriend comes around often or even lives with you. You don’t want your children to think the people they love will just end up hurting them. It’s not their fault it didn’t work out.

2. Kids are still learning how to have relationships and they depend on you to filter the people in their life. A casual relationship is not a permanent relationship even if it lasts for several years. Your kids are forever yours and it is their innate behavior to bond with whomever they spend time with. Meeting people who come and go teaches your children to accept rejection and abandonment as the norm in relationships.

3. Go through all of the seasons of the relationship before you consider introducing your boyfriend or girlfriend to your kids. You have to get through the ‘getting to know you’ all the way to the ‘mature and serious’ seasons before you invite your kids to be a part of the relationship. Get all the ugliness and selfishness out of the relationship first. It’s just like cleaning up the kitchen before you can cook dinner. As my foster mom would say “you can’t cook on top of a dirty kitchen.”

The time is right when the person you’re dating is ready to commit to you through marriage. I’m not saying marriage is the solution to break-ups, because it is not. Marriage is a huge commitment that should not be taken lightly, but that’s another story. Just like wine, a good relationship can only mature with time. If the guy or girl you’re dating is really a jerk, time will reveal it to you and your kids will not be affected. Soon enough, you will know when it’s safe for your kids to know about that special someone in your life.